My statement about you and me

I realized that like this, things are much less complicated. In these terms, this relationship requires me to take far less bs, and I don’t need to deal with your bad humor and hypo. I can watch the cheesiest movies, listen very loudly to Black Eyed Peas and wear my black shining boots. Wake up early, scratch my face and cough once in a while. I can wear red on my lips, play with my hair and hang out on places I have never been in the city, like the stupid Coney Island.
We still talk on the phone about absolutely nothing… we still have dinner, we still “talk, just five minutes” then, take cochilinhos. I still think about you, and I know that if you didn’t, you wouldn’t keep calling me until I pick it up. Then, we make jokes, then we flirt, then we cook, play poker, then we have fun and then forget that we’re not together anymore.
Are we? It feels good, but is it really? I am confused, and so are others. Even the good and hot feelings seem weird.
Maybe it is because you have said so many times I don’t want you, but I love you; I need to be alone now, but come over; I’m letting you go, but can you be my date at Dave’s wedding?
Or, its just self-protection. My heart has been broken too many times these past two years. Sometimes by you, sometimes by others let by me, sometimes by me, all by myself. So I think my heart, itself, don’t let me get too involved. Because if I have carefree fun, I forget that you and I are just friends.
Instead of carefree fun, I have Cinderella fun (the one that ends at midnight, and she knows it in advance). I go back home with the feeling “it was good”; but the questions “what was this?”, “am I the only one having it?”
I guess your clearness is very blurry and you are either a player, or a weak. You like the fun and security, but you don’t assume it as a relationship. That is just stupid.
I assume that I took too long to finish this statement. I assume that I let myself confused and let things just be. I should have demanded things to be on my terms, but I didn’t because I thought your actions were coming from a complicated mind, but were honest. I was wrong.
Therefore, I am changing the terms. You are not who I think you were. You are just a pathetic, needy guy, who doesn’t know how to love. You do know how to enjoy it, but not how to give it.
You won’t have my love or my friendship any longer, for the simple fact that you were not honest. I would have taken it, the truth. But the truth coming both from words, and actions.
The good thing is, I am not confused anymore. I was honest with my feelings, and that is what it matters.